Truth.

I write this blog while my church family gathers with my husband and friends, and not me.  And not Finn.  Finn was up through all hours of the night (highly uncharacteristic, but true) and slept until 11 am as a result of his unknown ailments.  But I wanted to go to church.  I wanted corporate worship.  That's not what happened.

We're approaching the 6 month mark living in Italy.  Most days I feel overwhelmed with joy and contentment, but some moments I want to crawl in a corner and pout because I can't have it my way.  Italy, for those of you that may have been uncertain or unclear, is not America.  Most days it doesn't even feel like Europe.  Italy is wonderfully and woefully its own.  I didn't think of myself as materialistic in America.  But I was.  The overwhelming convenience, and often inexpensiveness of 'things' leads to an overabundance of desire for and accumulation of possessions.  Whether I was frugal, patient, minimalistic in my mind, it was true.  In Italy, this lifestyle, subtlety, underlying issue is an impossibility.  To even acquire things in this grand land takes considerably more money, time, and transportation.  And finding exactly you want is usually highly improbable.  American style/production/functionality is not Italy.

So big deal.  Lots of places are unlike America.  Wasn't I anticipating such?  The real answer.  My mind was; my heart wasn't.  The more peculiar realization is the great naivety I had regarding the heart of the matter while living in the land of red, white, and blue.  The truth is that I was able to be fully satisfied in God and simultaneously fully satisfied in all other realms.  I could whole heartedly follow God in America and not be wanting.  This is the precise position the Lord desires us to be in.  But was I fully satisfied in the Lord and His provisions, or was I satisfied in the Lord because I could also have everything else I wanted?

I want to hop in my car, drive to Target, and buy a new watch-under $20.  I want to walk around my neighborhood and find a garage sale with antique toys for Finn.  I want to carry 8 bags of groceries into my kitchen in under 10 steps.  I want to order a new moroccan print rug and have it delivered to my door within 2-3 business days with free shipping.  I want to eat marshmallows in SwissMiss hot cocoa. I want a thermostat that can change my house to a greater temperature than the current 64.

Are any of the above things bad/harmful/unbiblical/immoral?  Absolutely not.  But all of those things are 100% impossible in Italy.  100%.  Am I still content knowing that?  Enter the three-year-old pouter.

The end of Matthew Chapter 6 proclaims Christ's great provision for the birds of the air, the flowers of the field, and more importantly-His adopted children.  Did I relish in this verse only in anticipation of when I would feel helpless, unprovided for, and wanting?  But really knowing that most of the time I wouldn't need only Christ's provisions, I could manage to get quite a few things on my own?

Whoa God.  Climbing out of my corner.  I love living here.  I love Italy.  I love it for many reasons.  But today, this morning, when I'm wanting 8000 things, I love it because God is teaching me what His provisions are when I am wanting and when I think I am satisfied.  He is teaching me that satisfaction is from Him alone.  That only His provisions can provide contentment.  I thought I was learning that lesson in America.  But praise God that He is continuously opening my eyes to see that I will never master that lesson.  Praise Him that I can only know contentment (have it and understand the definition of it) through Christ Jesus!

My desires of having a fully decorated/functioning home are not gone.  My desires of having easy/reliable transportation are not gone.  My longings to have an easy grocery carrying route will never leave.  But my understanding of the difference of my wants and needs is growing greatly in this place that is my home.  Moreover, I continue to realize that this isn't my home.  And neither is America.  That my home is a place yet to come, where my reunion with Christ is greater than any moroccan print rug that can ever arrive with free shipping.